Newtown, CT

I have clothes that need folding. My kitchen isn't as clean as it needs to be. There are things to do. But tonight, these things just don't seem to matter very much.

It's nights like these that I hate living alone. Not because of fear. But because there's no one to talk to. Nothing to connect to except the images on a tv screen or thoughts on social media or a text. It's not the same as either coping together or at least having a distraction. So I write because it's what I can do. And of course, I pray.

I ache for the families. I ache for the community. I ache for the children that survived and pray that they can do whatever they need to do in order to heal and feel safe again. I weep for the fear that must have been felt in those classrooms. I pray the physical pain was quick. The emotional pain will not be. I grieve for the parents who got the call, went to the school, and received the most horrific news.

After the Colorado theater shooting I wrote about the need to pay closer attention to what's going on around us and perhaps stopping the next tragedy from happening. And over the next few days, we'll see the shooter's picture and find out his story. There will be people who knew things. All the same questions will be raised. And, of course, the gun control debate will rage. This guy killed with hand guns, but there were assault weapons in his car. [Editor's note: it was later confirmed that the shooter actually did use the assault weapon to kill the children and adults, shooting each one multiple times. The hand guns were in his pockets.] Why the hell anyone needs one of those is beyond me.

But today was different. Today was too much. It was in the tone of the reporters as they tried to keep up with information. It was in the faces of law enforcement. It was in the tears of our President.

They were babies, most of them. They were innocent, beautiful babies.

I am not a parent, and I doubt, at this point, that I will be. For whatever reason, God, in His infintite mystery, has not blessed me with that precious opportunity. However, one does not have to be a parent to love the children in their lives. My office and home are covered with pictures of Grayton and Henry. Parents will tell you that they never knew they could love so deeply as they do their own children. I'm here to tell you - that feeling applies to aunts as well. I never understood it until I held both of them for the first time, and I know how precious my time and relationship is with them. It was impossible to keep their faces out of my head today.  I can't imagine. I just can't imagine.

In a text exchange tonight my sister wrote this: "There is an evil in this world that makes my bones shiver...this evil that infiltrates the hearts of the most vulberable and then unspeakable things happen and the most innocent suffer. And my only comfort is that those babies are in the warm arms of God."

Indeed, the only comfort.

O merciful Father, whose face the angels of thy little ones do always behold in heaven; Grant us stedfastly to believe that these thy children hath been taken into the safe keeping of thine eternal love; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

The Measure of a Man

In so many ways were are a socitey that quits. We want instant gratification and satisfaction and we want things to be easy and if we don't get our way....we quit. It's easier than working on the hard stuff. For me, however, the satisfaction that comes from earning something is far greater than that which is just handed to me. Easier? No. But far more satisfying.

Let me tell you about someone who didn't quit.

17 years ago, my brother was doing what every other high school graduate was supposed to be doing. He visited colleges, filled out applications, experienced the disappointment of not getting into his first choice, and then experienced the fear and anxiety that comes from watching your parent drive away after helping you move into your dorm. He was 10 hours from home. No car. Only a couple of familiar faces. No real idea of what path he was on, or at least not that he revealed at the time. He did the same thing I did when I transfered to my second wrong choice of colleges. When given the chance to take the easy way out and come home, he stayed put. Even though his heart and head were both screaming 'don't leave me here.' It was a long year for Curt. A city he loved. A college he'd been excited about. Both the wrong choice. But he didn't quit.

This began a journey of college hopping, major changing, moving from house to house and roommate to roommate. It led to a long term relationship with the wrong girl. It led to heartbreak, anxiety, fear, and sadness. But he didn't quit.

I don't think Curt has never been comfortable in a classroom setting. I think he finds it's stiffling, and I can understand that. I feel that way about working 9-5 in an office. So Curt's college journey has been...well...long. I remember nights when he'd come into my room or wherever I was studying for my own finals or writing my own paper. After I watched him pace for a while, I'd finally get out of him that something was due or there was a test the next day that he wasn't perpared for. Let's just say that there have been several all night study sessions at Denny's or papers that were finished and edited in time for me to splash water on my face and get to my own class. Some problems were bigger than others, but we got thru them. And, he didn't quit.

Sure, there were disappointments. Yes, there were semesters off (for both of us). There were countless challenges and at times I'll admit that even I wondered if a college degree was really necessary or worth it. But it was his journey.

In the past 17 years, my brother has been Beckwith's more formidable 'super counselor' turned Camp Director. He's been a Youth Minister. He's traveled thru the Southwest with boys with behavioral and emotional challenges and, thru camping adventures, rock climbing, and moutain biking Moab, he helped lead them to a second chance. He's loved and taught hundreds of children and teenagers to believe in themselves. Using his God-given talents at the keyboard, he's taught children and adults to play the piano. He's started and maintained a business, even in a recession. He found the courage to approach the right girl, and ask her to a party, and then asked her to marry him. He's purchased a house. And he and Sellers have created Grayton and Henry - by far their greatest achievements yet.

Let me tell you what I see when I look at my brother. I see a man who was put on this planet to be a daddy and a husband. I see a man with more grace in his little finger than I have in my entire body. I see a man with the ability to forgive and give second and third and fourth chances, even it means his heart is broken each time. I see a man of unceasing faith. I see a man with a childlike passion for the stuff in life that is especially important: family, friends, love. I see a man that, even in our adulthood, I can laugh with at things we thought were funny when we were little, or who gets excited about a new Star Wars or Harry Potter movie. I see a man who still believes in magic - no matter what life throws at him. I see a man who works hard, and plays harder. I see a man that I am incredibly proud of, that I am inspirited by, and one that I am blessed to call my brother and best friend.

And tonight? After 17 years...

I see a college graduate.

Martin Luther King said, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge..."

Tonight, Curt Kennington stands victorious at the end of this part of his journey.

There's more to come, of course. But he'll do it. Because he doesn't quit.

I've been thinking of one of my favorite movies since Curt received his final grade in his final class. The movie is "With Honors", a story about life taking an unexpected path and becoming richer for it. As they graduate, a portion of the song below plays.

Curt, my brother and friend, I am so proud of you. You will truly graduate life with honor and without regret. I love you.

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
May your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young
                       - Bob Dylan