Well, it's been a while. I think life has been moving at such an insane pace over the last few months that I haven't been able to really settle and process everything enough to write. This post isn't on anything in particular really...just catching up on life so that maybe I will write more often that I have been.
Looking back my last post was in September, 2013. In my mind's eye that was the month before my own train sort of jumped the track and it took a while to get back on. October was a difficult month. Somewhere along the way my job fatigue, the feeling of being trapped on the island and in life in general finally caught up with me and I found myself running into a very large, very hard wall. What seemed like a night of simple sleeplessness, which I'm not completely unfamiliar with, turned into two nights, and then three. Silly, irrational fears began creeping in and taking hold. I didn't feel comfortable in my own space, Chester's presence as he tried to comfort his human was more of a nuisance than a comfort. That just made me feel guilty which piled on the rest of the crazy range of emotions that were crashing in at one time. I felt like I was a walking panic attack nearly all the time. Even Grayton and Henry's precious, happy energy was more that I could handle. The only place I felt safe was in my parent's house, so for about a week my apartment was a place I stopped by between Dauphin Island and Fairhope to change clothes and feed my little guy and then get out of there as fast as I could. It was, in a word, awful.
Have you ever been that scared? God, it's just terrible. I was so lucky that I had a small group of friends and especially my family, who saw me through these few weeks of hell, all of them with their own unique gifts and ways of pushing or pulling or talking or laughing our way through this while life went on around us. I saw my doctor and started seeing a therapist, got a double diagnosis of General Anxiety Disorder and PTSD (damn hurricane...), and a lovely little green pill that just levels everything out...that is...once the 2 weeks of feeling completely flat wares off and the goodness kicks in. The sun started coming up, and my own space wasn't so scary anymore.
But. Nothing else had changed. It was becoming more and more difficult to even tolerate my work life. But a few weeks later, in early November, that all came to an end as well. Even thought it wasn't with me finding the perfect job and walking out with a plan, the morning Dauphin Island and I parted ways was probably the most liberating of my life in recent years! I had no clue what was next or where the rent was coming from, but I knew I didn't have to go back there. ever. again. I could have thrown a parade I was so happy. I can't say that my parent's were as excited, but I think that once the shock wore off and I hit the grown running with a new lease on life and a spring in my step, even they knew it was going to be ok. The debt of gratitude I have for them is so enormous I'm not sure I'll ever be able to show them, not to mention the practical help they gave me as well. I spent the end of November thru mid January working in retail while seeing what else was out there, and after a few mis-steps, an opportunity arose in Destin.
Within a month of the first conversation with my new company, I had a job, a new apartment, was moving out of Mobile, and away from everything comfortable to work in a 3 story building, overnight, all by myself. Now, the girl that was afraid to sleep in her own apartment less than 4 months prior would have laughed in your face if you'd told her that was her next gig. Is it ideal? Not in the least. But, it's a step. And, it's not on Dauphin Island. Praise God.
Of course, in the middle of this Curt, Sellers, and family were making seminary decisions, there were other health issues and major sadness in other parts of the family. Thanksgiving. A traumatic Iron Bowl. (ugh). Christmas. Life.
So, here I am. Almost six months into a new job. Company benefits have kicked in (first time I've ever really had those). Potential is there for mobility. My space is new and fresh and mine. I'll explore Destin more in the fall when all these people go home. The Curt Kennington's move to New York City in less than a month, and there are all kinds of emotions and realities that go with that, but it's exciting and a dream come true for him, so we celebrate that. A new little life is growing in New Orleans. More celebration. Life goes on.
If we seem a little worn out, this is part of the reason why. But this family does what we've always done, and what most of you do as well. We hang onto each other, walk through the hard stuff, celebrate the good stuff, and remember who were are and whom we represent. And, we look forward - to whatever comes next.
Love.
